As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
