My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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