my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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