When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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