is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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