if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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