Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
