I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
