dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's blow job season.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
