theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
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This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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