im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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