i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
