You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
