i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
