its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
