I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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