hotel room ftw
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
