I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
