there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
