It's like God shit irony all over that family
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
