Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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