I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
