I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
