did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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