You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
