My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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