Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
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You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
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I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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