dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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