He kissed a someone with a penis
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
