Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.