do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
