i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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