I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
