I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
