i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
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Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.