It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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