no, he came in my armpit
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
