My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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