she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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