She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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