I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
