Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
