It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
