my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
