walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
