"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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