Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
