if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
