I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
