dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
