I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
