What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
