And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
