Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
