You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
